The Day I Realized I Could End My Suffering (And What I Chose Instead)
I was sitting in my living room - on what felt like the worst day of my life - when I had a realization that completely changed everything. But probably not how you’d expect. It gave me back my power when I felt like I had none.
If you have ever felt completely lost - even though you have tried EVERYTHING to feel better - then this story is for you.
The Endless Search That Led Nowhere
Let me paint you a picture of where I was. My computer hard drive was a wasteland of self-help books and lectures of promised transformations. I had read countless self-help books, attended lectures by various spiritual teachers, even completed this week-long fasting retreat that was supposed to be life-changing.
You know the person who’s always looking for the next best technique? The next teacher? Always convinced that this time, this new method is gonna be the one that FINALLY makes it all click? Yeah, that was me.
But despite all of this seeking, learning and trying, I still felt… miserable. Empty. I felt worse than before I’d started any of this seeking. All these teachers were promising this effortless, enlightened life, and I’m over here feeling more lost than ever.
I remember sitting there that afternoon, and the sunlight coming through my window just felt… cruel, you know? Like it was mocking me. Here’s all this life and joy around me, and I couldn’t feel ANY of it. Never had.
The Realization That Changed Everything
I was sitting there, tears in my eyes, just staring at nothing, contemplating the void I felt inside. When a realization hit me. It was so clear, so sudden.
I can end this misery.
I could just… leave. Because honestly? Life didn’t feel worth living anymore. I wasn’t willing to keep going like this.
Now, I know that sounds dark - and it WAS.
But as dark as that realization was, it was also… liberating. Suddenly I had a choice. I was no longer powerless. It felt like this dam just broke inside me. After months of feeling completely powerless, suddenly I had agency over my own experience.
For the first time in years, I had a choice. And having that choice - the ultimate choice - was actually freeing.
I chose to stay. I chose to see if I could actually change myself. To really transform myself from the inside out.
Making the Commitment to Go Within
I picked up a journal that had collected dust for months, and I wrote a question across the top of a blank page: “Could I feel better - happier, lighter, less guilty, more joyful - just by changing how I see myself?”
I started small. Really small. Just writing in that journal for a couple of minutes each day, asking myself who I wanted to become. Most days I had no clue. But I kept showing up.
That became my thing. My only focus. Because here’s what I realized - all these teachers I’d been following, they’ve got the same stuff to work with I do, right? A mind, imagination, willpower. So why can’t I figure this out for myself?
Even if all this ‘manifestation’ and ‘creating our own reality’ was complete BS, if I could just change how I felt day to day, that would be enough.
Look, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. Those dark periods came back. A LOT. Progress was slow as hell. Really, I had no clue what I was doing, and my self-concept was so terrible that any little change took forever.
But something WAS different now. I wasn’t looking outside myself for someone to save me anymore. I had finally accepted that this was my job.
The Truth About Your Dark Moments
Here’s what I discovered, and I wish someone had told me this years ago: those dark moments? Those filled with self-doubt and loathing? They’re not proof that you are broken. They’re often exactly what you need - a catalyst - to finally take your power back.
Sometimes - oftentimes - we need to reach the lowest point, to actually decide to change.
“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”
~ J.K. Rowling, Harvard University Commencement Address, 2008
Every single technique I had collected, every teacher I had followed - they were all trying to give me something I already had. I just didn’t know how to access it. My own inner guidance. My own power to change.
The REAL work was never out there. It was always within. I just had to stop running from it.
What This Means for You
If you’re reading this thinking “Man, that sounds like me” - if you’ve tried everything and you’re still stuck - you need to hear this: You’re not broken. You’re not behind or doing it wrong.
You’re exactly where you need to be to make the same choice I made that day. To stop looking outside yourself. To go within. To trust that you’ve already got everything you need inside you.
The techniques you’ve been collecting? The teachers you’ve been following? They’re not wrong. But they’re trying to give you access to something that’s already yours. Your own inner wisdom. Your own power to transform.
That journal question I wrote down changed everything for me, and it might be exactly what you need too: “Could I feel better just by changing how I see myself?”
Start there. Start small. Start today.
Your Next Step
Over the next few weeks, I’m going to share exactly how I learned to tap into that inner guidance. There’s this technique called the Inner Garden Method that completely changed the game for me.
Ready to start right now? I’ve created a free email course on how to tap into your inner wisdom. Get instant access here →
In my next article, I’ll share the embarrassing moment when I realized I could teach self-help techniques… but I couldn’t actually change my own life. It’s a good one.
Remember - everything you’re looking for is already within you. You just gotta learn how to access it.
If You’re in That Dark Place Right Now
I want you to know - there’s always a reason to keep fighting.
This song by Disturbed captures exactly what that moment of choice feels like. When everything feels hopeless, but something inside you refuses to give up. When you realize that even in your darkest hour, you still have the power to choose life, to choose growth, to choose yourself.
Sometimes the most powerful transformations come from our deepest pain. Your breaking point isn’t your end point - it’s your beginning.
You’ve got this. And you’ve got everything you need already within you.